Hey guys, this is Santa and I know how smart people such as you like to plan ahead so I thought I'd tell you my Christmas list for you so that you can make any alterations you deem necessary.
For Barry Stoller I have a set of Trotsky and Lenin action figures with spring-loaded tomes and invective bolts to clobber your opponents.
For "Japan Bill" I have a lovely autographed copy of of the blockbuster novel "Celestine Prophecy" which has as its spiritual ending people giving money to each other for the energy they provide. In his stocking I'll give him a free six-month pass to a psychiatric treatment center in lovely White Plains, New York for that problem he seems to have with his identity.
For "Lark" the new Parker Bros. board game "Revolution Without Planning" in which throughout the game one must get only the luckiest rolls of the dice. Failure to receive these statistically impossible rolls results in the player's pieces being divided and gobbled up by the bourgeosie.
For Frenchy I have the "Politician Tamagochi," the fun electronic game you can carry in your pocket. This new model comes in two colors signifying its two modes, "Butch Black" for conservative Republican and "Fairy Fusha" for liberal Democrats. The object is to keep your growing politician fed with campaign funds throughout his life, and, unlike the more recent Tamagochi models, these have no "pause" button. Watch out, Frenchy, this will be a 24 hour a day commitment! You and your nuclear family are guaranteed hour upon hour of enjoyment as you try to wean your candidate to the White House. Don't forget to feed him, though! If you do, the Republican goes to work in obscurity as a corporate lawyer defending companies who pollute the environment for the sake of profits. The unfed liberal goes to teach homosexual values to unwitting high school students!
For Dr. Cruel I have the Free-Market treadmill. Special tarriff arrangements have allowed the manufacturer to provide for you two undocumented workers whom you can strap to this spectacular new machine. In a striking example of American free-enterprise, can-do and know-how, your subjects trot according your schedule and provide power for your home--all you have to do is feed them enough to keep them alive! And who but only the most demented leftist could argue with this? Jobs and pollution-free power--what else do the damn commies want?
I know I'm forgetting a lot of you, so please write me with your wish-list. Merry Christmas.