- Kids -

Re: divorced parents

In Reply to: divorced parents posted by Ben Masters on June 18, 1998 at 10:32:11:

: My parents are divorced, and my mom has full custody. My dad pickes me up every other weekend. I don't want to go, I don't mind staying for a little while, but I DON"T want to spend the night. I love him and all, but I just want to be with my mom. I have 2 brothers, and he MAKES us all go. I hate that. I cry, and he still makes me go. What can I do?

***Ben, you don't have to go out with your Dad if you don't want to. Tell your mother that you really hate it and you don't want to go. Keep telling her, tell your teachers, tell any adult who will listen.When I got divorced I thought that my Ex-husband had a right to see my kids and I believed that they wanted to see him , so I tried very hard to be sure that I encouraged them to see him regularly and ended up kind of pushing them into going, but I was wrong to do it. Partly I was worried that my kids would lose contact with their Dad, and partly I was afraid that I would end up in Court with custody hearings or get into trouble somehow if I didn't give in to whatever their Dad wanted.
Seeing her Dad made my elder daughter sick (Nosebleeds, vomiting, not sleeping, depression and so on). When she told me how she felt about seeing her Dad and I finally realised what was happening I stopped pushing her to go and she got better, started getting better grades in school and making friends more easily. She thought she had to have my permission to not see her Dad but that isn't true. Neither mothers nor fathers should try to force their kids to go out on contact visits if they can't cope with the pressure. Sometimes my younger daughter doesn't want to see him either, but she will usually take a break of a few weeks and then see him again, until she can't cope any more, then she'll take another break. It's not very satifactory for her Dad, but now I won't force either of my daughters to see their Dad any more if they don't want to and it makes them unhappy. It all depends on what they can handle.
I don't know what kind of a guy your father is, but in England he wouldn't legally be able to force you to go with him. Your Mom was probably brave and stood up to him once enough to divorce him. If you make it clear how you feel I reckon she'll be brave enough to stand up for you, too. I guess both of your parents love you a lot, both of them want you around, OK? If your Dad doesn't like your decision he'll have to apply to the Court for an order to see you, (and I expect he'll try and blame your Mom)but the Judge would ask YOU what you think before making a decision on whether or not you have to see your Dad, and only a very bad Judge indeed would try and force a kid who doesn't want to go out on contact visits to do it anyway. It's hard for kids who love both their parents when one or other of the adults behaves even more like a kid than them and forces them to choose. Maybe after a while you'll want to see your Dad again. You and your Mom will have to stick together and be brave. You can get what you want. God Bless You***

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