McBurger's
By Jenny Fraser and Steve Brown





MacBurger's - Real Neat Scotch Fare



MENU
						Sit In	Take Away
	
Muckle Mac					£1.55	£1.50	
Edinburger (with real Scotch Cheddar)		£1.55	£1.50	
Haggis Burger					£1.40	£1.35	
Rabbie Burnt Burger (well done)			£1.40	£1.35	
Venison Burger					£1.75	£1.70	
Nae Meat Burger					£1.25	£1.20	
(Vegetarian Society Approved)	
White Pudding Nuggets				£1.35	£1.30	
Stovies						£1.45	£1.40	
Scotch Egg					£0.75	£0.70	
Scotch Fries					£0.55	£0.50	
Tatties						£0.55	£0.50

SWEETS	

Clootie Dumpling Crumble			£1.00	£0.95	
Deep Fried Shortbread				£0.50	£0.45	
Porridge					£0.65	£0.60	
Dundee Cake					£0.75	£0.70	
Fresh Highland Trifle				£1.30	£1.25	

DRINKS	
Nessie Milkshakes -So big they're monstrous	
Banana, Chocolate and Strawberry		£0.75	£0.70	
Irn Bru or Vimto Ice cream floats		£0.75	£0.70	
Tea						£0.45	£0.40	
Coffee						£0.50	£0.45	
Highland Spring Water				£0.65	£0.60

CHARACTERS

The Crew

BRIAN Manager of the Edinburgh Store. Fancies himself, 23 Year old, lives for his job. Strict and unfair, disliked by everyone.

SUSAN Assistant Manager. 21 year old, ambitious and intelligent. Much fairer than Brian and so gains a little more respect. But terribly serious and a bit square.

BRENDAN Trainee. 18 year old, promoted from chip shaking, but can't cope with the responsibility. Frightened of everyone, a rather unfortunate character.

STUART Checkout Assistant. 17 year old, quite slow but gets on with the job. Is only working to earn enough money to buy an electric guitar with.

TRICIA Checkout Assistant. 17 year old, hates the job. Uninspired, merely goes through the motions.

ALAN Checkout Assistant. 17 year old, a young Brian. Very conscientous and ambitous. Will be a manager one day.

SHEENA Cook. 21 year old. Has a three year old son. Desperately needs money to bring him up. But the long shifts mean she doesn't see him as much as she would like to. Down to Earth.

CHRISTOPHER Cook. 16 year old. Very shy and easily embarrassed. A rather sad character.

TRACEY Cleaner. 16 year old, a Christmas leaver. Lives with her sister. Hates the job has a very realistic approach to everything. Will always land on her feet.

GLEN Mr MacHangis. 18 year old, has deferred entry to Drama College for some real life experiences. Infatuated by Tracey.

LOUISE Hostess. 17 year old, very highly strung and emotional. Totally unable to cope.

KEVIN Cook. 17 year old, trendy and confident. Hates the job but likes having money. Can't stand authority.

The Americans

REX REXTER American owner, power mad. Very fat and very rich. Larger than life, grotesque.

SERINA SOLBY Glam personal assistant. Hangs on to Rex's arm and every word.

CLIFF Promotional Trainer. Adores himself, permanently cheerful and thoroughly sickening.

LEEANNE Promotional Trainer. Exactly like Cliff, only tends to show off even more.

The Customers

The Casuals LYNN, DEEK AND SCOBY--members of the Centre Soccer Firm.

The Family JIM (DAD), EILEEN {MUM), SHARON (14 YEAR OLD) AND GARY (12 YEAR OLD)

American MIRIAM AND ELMER, stereo-typical and Tourists grotesque.

Three Children in wheelchairs ANDY, LOIS AND BEN, lively and very normal. With EMMA, 23 year old able-bodied.

Others

CAMERON AND TWO OTHER PROTESTERS

THE BIKERS



The action takes place one Saturday in the Edinburgh store.
ACT ONE

SPOTLIGHT ON MACBURGER'S EMPLOYEE WHO HAS BROUGHT ON A HUGE BUTTON, (S)HE PRESSES THE BUTTON AND... EXPLOSION OF BUSINESS !

THE LIGHTS COME UP ON ABSOLUTE CHAOS.

CRIES OF "TAKE YOUR ORDER OVER HERE PLEASE" AND "HAVE A NICE DAY" ARE ALL THAT CAN BE HEARD CLEARLY. CLEANERS ARE CLEANING, QUEUERS ARE QUEUING, SERVERS ARE SERVING, EATERS ARE STUFFING THEIR FACES. A CROWD OUTSIDE ARE HANDING OUT LEAFLETS AND SHOUTING ABOUT THE OZONE LAYER GETTING BIGGER, THE BIKERS START FIGHTING EACH OTHER.

NEAR HYSTERIA.

BLACKOUT

EVERYONE EXITS LEAVING CORE MACBURGER'S STAFF, THEY LINE UP IN FRONT OF THE COUNTER. THEY ARE STUART, TRICIA, KEVIN, SHEENA, LOUISE, TRACEY, ALAN AND GLEN. BRIAN, WITH SUSAN AND BRENDAN BY HIS SIDE, INSPECTS THEM. HE IS TRYING TO CREATE A "HILL STREET BLUES" ATMOSPHERE. HE WALKS DOWN THE LINE STRAIGHTENING HATS AND PICKING BITS OF DUST OFF SHOES ETC.

BRIAN There's someone missing.

SUSAN Christopher.

BRIAN Give him three penalty points. Now, since the rest of you have managed to make it in on time this morning I'd like to take this opportunity to talk to you about discipline. It has come to my attention recently that the crew hasn't been working to maximum efficiency. We are under pressure from head office to meet our targets and this requires hardwork from everyone, there is no time for slacking here. Remember, the better your performance on the shop floor, the sooner you'll get your stars, and the the more stars the more likely you'll be considered for management training. Just like Brendan here. (BRENDAN LOOKS EMBARRASSED) Some people wait for the future, we don't have waiters here.

TRACEY That's because it's self service. BRIAN I'm sorry, I didn't quite catch that. Why don't you shore it with the rest of the crew? I'm sure we'd all like to hear it. No? The time is five minutes to nine. Before you open the doors to the public I'll fill you in on some of the latest developments. we are expecting a team from head office in America sometime this week who are compiling progress reports on this branch. They are a1so going to be training us in new promotiona1 tactics and advertising. Obviously it is essential that the store is in tip top condition. Rumour has it, although this has not been confirmed yet, that Rex Rexter himself may even be making an appearance. The future of this store and your jobs depend on the outcome of their visit. They are due anyday now so it is vital, and I cannot stress this enough, that everyone is on their best behaviour and above all adheres to the company motto at all times. You! What is the company motto ?

STUART Em, Quality, Value and and...

BRIAN You!

TRICIA (BORED) Quality, Cleanliness, Service and Value.

BRIAN You!

ALAN Quality, cleanliness. service and value.

BRIAN Good, make sure you all know it. Susan, Brendan and myself will be conducting random spot checks throughout the day to see that you do. Now and I'm sure this is the moment you've all been waiting for, it's time for the staff rosette of the month award. As you all know we assess each individual on their appearance, reliability, attitude and awareness. This month I'm glad to say one crew member has surpassed all the job requirements and has earned the mark of 97.5 for his work. This earns him the "Excellent" grade, having consistently made major contributions to the success of the store. The first so far I may add. He will also receive an extra 15p an hour. So the winner of the staff rosette of the month is Alan.

ALAN STEPS PROUDLY FORWARD AND SUSAN PINS ON THE TARTAN ROSETTE

SUSAN Well done Alan. SHE CLAPS. THE REST OF THE CREW DO SO RELUCTANTLY BRIAN Alan earned especially high marks in the hygiene category after he was spotted diligently cleaning the metal parts of the seating with a toothbrush. Let this be an example to you all. Brendan, you can remove your photograph from the display board now. Yours will be there by tomorrow Alan. BRENDAN TEARFULLY BUT CAREFULLY TAKES IT DOWN BRENDAN Would it be alright if I took this home to my mum please? EVERYONE LAUGHS AND JEERS BRIAN Cut the jibes. Of course you may, it's another privilege you've gained from your success Brendan. Alright it's nine o'clock, open the doors. THE DOORS ARE OPENED AND EVERYONE GOES TO THEIR POSITIONS. STUART, TRICIA AND ALAN ARE BEHIND THE COUNTER. BRENDAN IS WANDERING AIMLESSLY. THREE CUSTOMERS WALK IN. THE FOLLOWING SCENE SHOULD BE TOTALLY CHAOTIC, FASTMOVING AND CONFUSING! ALL Take your order over here please! ALAN Is that large or small? CUSTOMER ONE ...and three vimto floats. CUSTOMER TWO You're joking, I've got to say the whole thing? CUSTOMER THREE What exactly is in the white pudding nuggets? STUART Yeah, they're just coming. THREE Have you got any de-caffinated coffee? TWO Ok, Ok, three Nessie milkshakes so big they're monstrous. Satisfied? ONE Have you seen Sara? TWO What do you mean you don't sell fish and chips? TRICIA Well you could have a Nae meat burger. ALAN 95 pence. STUART Sit in or take away? TRICIA There's more seats upstairs. TWO I've not seen her for ages. ALAN Would you like a deepfried shortbread with your tea sir? THREE Is the orange juice freshly squeezed? STUART There's ashtrays on the tables. TRICIA We don't have brown rolls. ONE And twenty Benson and Hedges please. THREE How much is that? ALAN (SHOUTS) Two Edinburgers. TRICIA He's called Brendan. TWO I've not got enough. THREE That was a tenner I gave you. ONE What does she see in him? STUART I don't have a button for that on the computer. THREE Wait a minute. TRICIA (SHOUTS) 3 Muckle Macs! THREE Are you sure that's Diet Vimto? TWO Well STUART It's not defrosted yet. ALAN Have you got the right money? ONE I don't think she's told her mum. TWO 1.25? ONE I asked for three. STUART What? ALAN Milk and sugar? ONE Are they fried in animal fat? STUART (SHOUTS) Brian! TRICIA Have a nice day! THREE It's her own fault. ALAN It's five pence for sauce. STUART We've run out. TRICIA Sit in or take away? TWO She was paralytic. STUART 6.35 THREE Banana. ONE Three weeks. TRICIA Have a nice day! TWO I asked for no relish. ONE Well it's her own fault. STUART You forgot your change. ALAN Milk and sugar? ONE No, I'm going to the pictures. TRICIA They come in three sizes. STUART Have a nice day! TWO Is that large or small? ALAN The chips are already salted actually. TRICIA No you can't bring dogs in here. EVERYONE FREEZES. LOUISE THE HOSTESS COMES FORWARD LOUISE That' it Paul, put it in your mouth not Caroline's hair. Take your feet off the table! Would you do that at home? You would? Suzanne, Suzanne put your sporran back on! Oh don't do that with it! Ah Mrs Malcolm. You've Come to take Sharon home. No, no trouble at all. No dear you can't take that home with you. Bye bye. Have a nice day! Paul I've warned you. Now stop it. You want what? Right OK wait a minute. (SHOUTS) Can I have four Nessie Milkshakes (MUMBLES) So big they're monstrous please! (SHOUTS) So big they're monstrous! Stop that! Eat your haggis burger up Kirsty. Aren't you hungry? Oh Paul how could you? Stop crying Caroline, it's only ketchup, it'll wash out. Yes they're just coming. Oh grow up Caroline! I'm telling your mother Paul. Say sorry. Yes they're just coming! He doesn't mean it. Do you Paul? Yes you do? Don't be silly. That's it. They're just coming! I used to like kids. God knows why. I'm telling you. If I have to sing Aga-bloody-Doo one more time I'll... It's no joke dealing with up to twenty hyperactive kids on your own. I mean you've got to keep them amused, feed them and clean up the food they either throw around or puke up. Still better that than out the other end if you know what I mean. We have to keep spare knickers in the lockers. Tartan of course. It's not pleasant I can tell you. The food fights are the worst, it's enough to drive you to an early grave. We had a Sunday School outing once. They'd just been doing David and Goliath. Well, I was Goliath and fifteen little Davids started catapulting their white pudding nuggets at me. I was not amused let me tell you. You see I took modules in Home Economics and Childcare at school, so when this job came up it seemed perfect. What a take. Still it's a job isn't it? STUART, TRICIA AND ALAN CONTINUE SERVING ALAN Have a nice day! BRENDAN Alan did you give those people a napkin with that last order? ALAN Yeah, of course I did. I always do. BRENDAN Well it's just that I never saw you. ALAN Well I did. I put the tray on the counter and the napkin on the tray and the burger on the napkin. Just like I'm supposed to do. BRENDAN Eh well, I was just checking. Sorry. I just didn't think that you had. ALAN Well I did Brendan. BRENDAN OK I'm sorry. I mustn't have seen you. ALAN You can't go accusing me and then turn round and admit that you never even sew me in the first place. BRENDAN No what I meant was, that I did see you. I just didn't think I saw you putting the napkin on the tray. I'll get into trouble from Brian if I don't do my job properly. ALAN Well that's no excuse for getting me into trouble. BRENDAN I'm just doing my job. ALAN Well I've got my job to do as well. OK? BRENDAN Just make sure you do it properly then. ALAN I was doing it properly. Just because you've got more stars on your hat, it doesn't mean that you've got more brains in your head. DURING THIS THREE CASUALS HAVE ENTERED, BOUGHT THEIR FOOD AND SAT DOWN LYNN Deek? DEEK What? LYNN Guess what? DEEK What? LYNN I'm bored. DEEK THROWS A CHIP IN SCOBY'S FACE SCOBY What was that for? DEEK I felt like it. SCOBY Have you tried that deepfried shortbread yet? LYNN Nuh. SCOBY Well dinnae, it's boggin'. LYNN Desk, go and give us 50p. DEEK Nuh. LYNN Gonnae. DEEK I said nuh, you deaf? LYNN I want a Nessie Milkshake. SCOBY "So big it's monstrous" Lynn, you huv tae say it. LYNN I want a Nessie Milkshake so big it's monstrous. DEEK I'm still no giving you it. It's ma bus fare. LYNN See you, I hate you. SCOBY (SINGS) C. F. S., C. F. S. Centre Soccer Firm's the best. A FAMILY OF FOUR APPEAR OUTSIDE THE STORE JIM I'm glad that's all over with. EILEEN I just hope they deliver it on Monday Jim. Remember the time I stayed in for three days waiting for the fridge? JIM Look Eileen, I'm sure they will. SHARON If they said they will, they will right? EILEEN Well you can never be too sure. GARY Dad, dad, let's go in here. Please. JIM We've already said we will Gary. SHARON I'll just wait out here while you get it. EILEEN Don't be silly, come in so you can choose. SHARON Nuh, I'll just wait. JIM You'll do what your mother tells you. THEY ENTER THE STORE AND APPROACH THE COUNTER WHERE TWO CUSTOMERS ARE BEING SERVED TRICIA That'll be 3.60 please. ALAN Would you like a clootie dumpling crumble with that madam? STUART Take your order over here please! EILEEN Oh, oh I don't know what we want yet. GARY I want a haggis burger and a Strawberry Nessie Milkshake so big they're monstrous. JIM Please. GARY So big they're monstrous PLEASE! EILEEN Sharon? SHARON I'm not hungry. JIM Don't be stupid. What do you want? SHARON White pudding nuggets then. EILEEN Mmm, they sound good. I think I'll have that too. STUART Is that two white pudding nuggets then? EILEEN Yes please. JIM I think I'll splash out and have a Muckle Mac. GARY Please! EILEEN And three coffees please. SHARON I don't want a coffee. EILEEN But why not? You usually have coffee at home. STUART Sit in or take away? GARY/SHARON Sit in/Take away. JIM Sit in. SHARON Aw come on, we'll just eat it in the car. EILEEN But the car's miles away, don't be silly. It would be all cold by the time we got there. STUART That's 7.15 please. SHARON I'll just eat mine outside. JIM (PAYS) Don't be awkward. You'll do what we do. EILEEN It's not very often the four of us get out together. THEY TAKE THEIR FOOD AND SEARCH FOR AN EMPTY TABLE LYNN Look there's a Shaz! SCOBY She's way her mum and dad! DEEK What a Dooley! ALL THREE LAUGH SHARON See there's no tables, we'll have to go outside. EILEEN Here's one here. SHARON But it's all dirty. EILEEN I'm sure they'll come and wipe it. SHARON FIGHTS FOR A SEAT OUT OF THE CASUALS' VIEW, BUT GARY GETS THERE FIRST. SHARON I'm sitting there. GARY I was here first. SHARON I said MOVE right? GARY Dad? JIM Just sit down Sharon. EILEEN (LOOKING AROUND) Well this is nice isn't it? SHARON Nuh. GARY It's great mum. Could you make these at home? EILEEN Oh don't be silly Gary. GARY How not? How do they set the haggis this shape? JIM They've got a machine through the back. SHARON No they haven't. They buy them in like that frozen. GARY Can we get some for the freezer then? EILEEN We'll see Gary. we'll see. PAUSE SHARON HASN'T TOUCHED HER FOOD. SHE AIMLESSLY PICKS UP AN EMPTY CUP AND RIPS IT INTO LITTLE BITS EILEEN Don't make a mess now Sharon, someone's got to clean that up you know. SHARON That's what they're paid for mum. JIM I don't like your attitude young lady. GARY She's not a lady. SHARON Shut it you. EILEEN Now, now let's not argue. JIM And eat your food. I've spent enough money today. LYNN, SCOBY AND DEEK LAUGH LOUDLY. EILEEN, JIM AND GARY LOOK ROUND. SHARON LOOKS AT THE TABLE. GARY There's Deek, Sharon. SHARON I know. (LOOKS AWAY) EILEEN They're not friends of yours are they Sharon? SHARON I just know them. They're, at school. GARY You're always hanging about with them. SHARON No I'm not. JIM I hope you don't behave like that. EILEEN I'm sure you don't do you Sharon? SILENCE GARY Mum, when can I get that skateboard? EILEEN When you're older. GARY But Steven's mum and dad got him one and he's two months younger than me. EILEEN Well we're not Steven's mum and dad are we? JIM They're too dangerous. Anyway you've got a perfectly good bike. GARY But it's not the same, and it's not a proper BMX anyway. JIM You should be thankful that we got you that Gary. It wasn't cheap you know. GARY It was only 95. Steven's cost 150. SCOBY APPROACHES, FAG IN MOUTH SCOBY Got a light Shaz? SHARON (REACHES INTO POCKET) Aye, wait a minute. (REALISES!) Em, no. No I haven't. SCOBY Aw right. See you later.(WALKS AWAY SNIGGERING) SILENCE EILEEN So how long have you been smoking then? SHARON I don't smoke. EILEEN Well that boy seemed pretty sure that you did. GARY Aye she does. SHARON Shut it you. JIM That's enough. You've got some explaining to do. EILEEN Not now Jim, wait until we get home. Let's not make a scene. JIM You know how I feel about smoking. It's.... EILEEN Jim, please. SHARON I said I don't smoke right? I don't know why you can't just believe me. Anyway you smoke. JIM That's not the point. And if you hadn't lied so much in the past I might have believed you. Gary, it's not funny. EILEEN Look let's just go home. GARY But I've not finished my Nessie Milkshake so big it's EILEEN Take it with you then. JIM (SHOUTS) Just do as you're told! GARY I don't know why you're shouting at me, it's Sharon that should get the row. She buys them with her dinner money. SHARON Shut it you! GARY Nuh. JIM Get out the pair of you. ALL FOUR EXIT HASTILY EILEEN Oh hurry up everybody's looking at us. OUTSIDE. CAMERON APPROACHES JIM AND GIVES HIM A LEAFLET CAMERON Excuse me sir, this won't take a moment. I'd just like to know if you're aware of the damage you are doing to the environment every time you buy a hamburger from this shop. JIM Eh... CAMERON I thought not. You see every time one of those Plastic containers is opened it lets off thousands of tiny molecules which JIM Sorry son but we're in a bit of a hurry. EXUENT CAMERON (SHOUTS) are destroying the ozone layer. The hole is getting bigger and bigger and bigger JIM HAS THROWN AWAY THE LEAFLET. TRACEY ENTERS AND PICKS IT UP. CAMERON This is hopeless. Come on lot's go and try the Wimpy. EXUENT EVERYONE ON STAGE FREEZES TRACEY I'm outside the day. I'm inside Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday and I'm outside Thursday, Friday, Saturday. I hate being outside. Sometimes I see folk I ken frae school and I have to run and hide. I mean who'd be seen dead in this? I once had to hide behind a bin in Princes Street Gardens for half an hour cos one of my ex's was sitting on a bench. I hate this job; walking about picking up bits of tartan rubbish. Fast food? Fast crap more like. Makes you wonder if it's worth it really. Living I mean. Och dinnae worry I'm no goin' to dae masel in or nothing. You just wonder sometimes. You think too much doing this kind of work, makes your head soft. God some folk are so clarty. (PICKS UP SOMETHING DISGUSTING) They flick their ash in their tea, stamp their chips - sorry, scotch fries - into the floor. They'd be the first to complain if it wasnae tidy though. You see, this place may look all nice and friendly to yous on the outside, a bunch of parts in tartan with cheesy grins. It's no like that behind the scenes, no way. We're at each other's throats. It's the management's fault. They work you as long and as hard as they can get away with. And you cannae complain, no if you want to keep your job. Then they tell us all to stick together like a crow. I'd rather be on the Titanic. I mind once right, I picked up a Wimpy carton by mistake and Brian gave me two Penalty points for wasting the company's time. (PICKS UP SOMETHING ELSE) I hate this job. I didn't think I'd get it. I mind at the interview, this guy goes tae me "Tell me Tracey, what motivated you to apply to MacBurger's?" And I goes, I like eating. They must've been short-staffed. They're always short-staffed. They'll take anybody. Just look at that weirdo they put in the Mr MacHaggis outfit. He really fancies himself as a personality; a real tourist attraction. I hate this job. I mind once right, I asked Brian for a day off for ma sister's wedding. And do you ken what he says tae me? He says "Tracey, you are as disposable as the rubbish you pick up." And do YOU know something? He's right. EVERYONE GOES BACK TO NORMAL. TRACEY WALKS OFF. STUART, TRICIA AND ALAN ARE STILL SERVING. BRENDAN WANDERS AIMLESSLY. SHEENA (FROM BEHIND) Will somebody fill up this pickle for me? TRICIA I'm serving. STUART I'm no allowed to leave the counter. ALAN Get Brendan to do it he's not doing anything. BRENDAN I can't. I'm busy. ALAN Well you don't look busy you're just standing there. BRENDAN I'm supervising. ALAN Well if that's what supervising is, I wish I was doing it. BRENDAN I'm on a random spot check. Brian sent me. ALAN Better watch out everyone, Brendan's on a random spot check! TRICIA Take your order over here please! CUSTOMER Three Muckle Macs Please. TRICIA Sit in or take away? CUSTOMER Sit in. TRICIA 4.65 please. (SHOUTS) Three Muckle Macs! SHEENA I've no relish! TRICIA Brenda! BRENDAN Well I'm not really supposed to. SHEENA Well I'm not supposed to be stuck here on my own am I? BRENDAN Do you mean that Christopher's still not here yet? SHEENA Does it look like he's here? BRENDAN Where could he be? SHEENA You tell me Brendan. ALAN Take your order over here please! CUSTOMER An Edinburger Please. ALAN Sit in or take away? CUSTOMER Take away. ALAN 1.50 Please. Thanks. (SHOUTS) One Edinburger! SHEENA Wait a minute! BRENDAN But you can't wait a minute Sheena. The customer has to receive hi" food within 100 seconds of entering the store. SHEENA I'm doing two jabs at once right? Just go and get me the relish. BRENDAN OK Out this once. But I'm not really supposed to BRENDAN GOES TO THE CUPBOARD STUART (SHOUTS) A Rabble and a Haggis! SHEENA Hold on! BRENDAN RETURNS WITH CHRISTOPHER BRENDAN Problem solved Sheena. I've found Christopher. SHEENA Decided to make an appearance have we? CHRISTOPHER I was... I... BRENDAN He was in the cupboard. SHEENA What the Hell were you doing hiding in shore? CHRISTOPHER I was...I...I... BRENDAN I'm afraid I'm going to have to report you Christopher. CHRISTOPHER But, but It was l-l-locked.. SHEENA What? CHRISTOPHER I've been there since last night. SHEENA Why? CHRISTOPHER I was cleaning and...and..I needed more detergent and I went into the cupboard and...and I couldn't get out. SHEENA But why were you cleaning in the middle of the night? ALAN (SHOUTS)What happened to that Edinburger? CHRISTOPHER I was on overnight cleaning duty. SHEENA On your own? At that time? That's Hellish. BRENDAN When else can we clean the store? SHEENA Do you get paid more? TRICIA (SHOUTS) Where are my Muckle Mace? CHRISTOPHER Nuh. BRENDAN Come on both of you. (TO CHRISTOPHER) You're here now and you're needed. So get started. SHEENA Wait a minute. That's a sin. The poor laddie's all peelie wally. Let him go home. BRENDAN You were the one that was complaining that he wasn't here. SHEENA Aye, that was before. This is different. He's no well. BRENDAN He looks alright to me. CHRISTOPHER I feel a bit funny. SHEENA See? STUART (SHOUTS) Three Harris Burgers and what happened to that last order? BRENDAN Come on, start working or I'll have to get Brian down. SHEENA Have a heart for Christ' Make. BRENDAN I'm only doing my job. TRICIA (SHOUTS) Where are those Muckle Mace? ALAN (SHOUTS) And where's my Edinburger? STUART (SHOUTS) The Scotch Fries are nearly finished! SHEENA Alright, alright they're just coming. BRENDAN GOES, CHRISTOPHER STARTS TO HELP ALAN Take your order over here please! STUART Sit in or take away? TRICIA Milk and sugar? CUSTOMER ONE Tea, a coffee and a cup of milk please. STUART There's no milk. ONE Yes there is. You're going to put it in my tea and coffee aren't you? STUART Aye. but that's different. We've got milk. It's just that we don't have a button for it on the computer. ONE That's ridiculous. You must be able to give me milk on its own. STUART Nuh, canny. ONE Look can I speak to the manager? I don't believe this. STUART (SHOUTS) Brian! ALAN (SHOUTS) Where's my Edinburger? TWO I thought this was meant to be fast food! TRICIA Take your order over here please! BRIAN Now what seems to be the problem? ONE I asked this boy for a cup of milk and he's refusing to give me it. Don't tell me it's impossible. BRIAN No it's not impossible. just rather difficult that's all. Stuart ring it up as tea but don't put any tea in it, just extra milk. STUART But BRIAN Just do as you're told. ONE So it's a tea with no tea? BRIAN (FORCED SMILE) Precisely. Have a nice day! TWO What exactly is in the white pudding nuggets? THREE Three clootie dumpling crumbles and three vimto floats please. TWO Three scotch eggs and three chocolate Nessie Milkshakes so big they're monstrous. TRICIA 2.10 please. STUART I think so. FOUR A porridge please to take away. ALAN The tables will be cleared in a minute. Don't worry. STUART (SHOUTS) Two Stovies! TRICIA 40P change thanks. ALAN (SHOUTS) One Haggis burger with no relish. SHEENA Just as well! STUART 2.50. TRICIA It's not defrosted yet. ALAN Would you like a Scotch Egg with that? THE SHOP HAS BECOME VERY BUSY. IT IS LUNCHTIME. SUDDENLY TWO MEN DRESSED ENTIRELY IN BLACK, WEARING SHADES AND CARRYING MACHINE GUNS, BURST IN AT THE TOP OF THE STAIRS. THEY RUN DOWN INTO THE MIDDLE OF THE STORE AND LEAP ON TO THE CHAIRS, TERRORISING EVERYONE. BRIAN RUSHES OUT FROM BEHIND THE COUNTER AND STANDS BETWEEN THEM BEMUSED. EVERYONE LOOKS TOWARDS THE TOP OF THE STAIRS AND FREEZES. SPOTLIGHT ON REX REXTER WITH SEBRINA ON HIS ARM. CLIFF AND LEEANNE ARE BEHIND. THEY BEGIN TO DESCEND SLOWLY. SEBRINA FUSSES OVER REX, FIXES HIS TIE, BRUSHES DANDRUFF FROM HIS SHOULDERS ETC. HALFWAY DOWN CLIFF AND LEEANNE (TO INDIVIDUALS IN THE AUDIENCE) Hi! How 're ya doin'? You're looking wonderful! Have a nice day! It's swell to be here! I love your sweater! Etc... Etc! REX AND SEBRINA REACH THE BOTTOM OF THE STAIRS. REX WALKS INTO THE MIDDLE OF THE STORE, LOOKING ALL AROUND HIM TAKING EVERYTHING IN. REX Neat, real neat. Just the concept I imagined. HE APPROACHES BRENDAN REX Hi Brian, swell to meet you. Rex Rexter's the name, fast food's the game! BRENDAN SHAKES HIS HAND, BEWILDERED BRIAN Excuse me sir, but actually I'm Brian Taylor. Thank you Brendan. We've been expecting you. REX Howdy! This is Sebrina Solby my Personal assistant, if you know what I mean! (LAUGHS UPROARIOUSLY) And these are my P.R. people Cliff and Leeanne. (TO BODYGUARDS) You con come down now guys. Men. Mingle. CLIFF AND LEEANNE GO ROUND THE CUSTOMERS AND CREW MAKING THE SAME COMMENTS AS THEY DID WITH THE AUDIENCE. ONLY THEY "UNFREEZE" EVERYONE AS THEY TALK TO THEM BRIAN This is Susan my Assistant Manager. And this is Brendan our Trainee. THEY SHAKE HANDS FORMALLY SEBRINA (TO SUSAN) Gee, I love your kilt! REX Right let's get down to business. Let's sample some of this Scotch Fare while we discuss strategy. BRIAN Yes certainly sir. (GOES TO THE CASUALS' TABLE) Right kids, it's time to go home. You've been here all day. SCOBY But I've no finished me burger yet. DEEK Aw come on, play the game. BRIAN I said GO! LYNN OK, OK we're going. THEY LEAVE BRIAN, SUSAN, REX AND SEBRINA SIT ON THE FOUR SEATS. BRENDAN HOVERS. BRIAN Someone come and take this order. STUART I canny Brian, it's self-service. We're no allowed to leave the counter. BRIAN Do as I tell you. Come and take this order. REX It's OK. I know exactly what's on the menu. Hell I wrote it! We'll have four Muckle Macs, two Vimto and two Irn Bru Floats. And two Nessie Milkshakes so big they're monstrous for the boys. GUARD 1 Can I have Chocolate please? GUARD 2 And would it be possible for me to have Banana? SEBRINA But Rex, I want to have salad. I can't eat junk food. REX Shut up honey. STUART Is it sit in or take away? EVERYONE STARES AT HIM. BRIAN Did you have a pleasant flight? REX (IGNORING HIM) Mmm, not bad at all. I like the image. Sorry the scenic views for the walls haven't arrived yet. Some dude sent them to Hong Kong instead. Can you imagine? I've disposed of the culprit of course. SUSAN That sounds a bit extreme. REX Spare the rod, spoil the staff. STUART APPROACHES WITH THE FOOD STUART That's 9.20 Please. Have a nice day! BRIAN It's on the house Stuart. STUART But Brian, the computer SUSAN Don't worry Stuart. We'll sort it out later. REX This looks great. SEBRINA (UNCONVINCED) Mmm lovely. REX, SEBRINA, BRIAN AND SUSAN EAT BRIAN Everything OK? REX Let's cut the small talk. I came to talk about money, and time is money. Do you realise that in the hundred seconds it took to get this food to us, 13000 people around the world will have eaten in one of my stores? We don't waste time. Now, I've been looking through your daily computer returns and they're not too bad for a new store. The concept's really taken off. Obviously the Scotch were just crying out for someone to bring their heritage back home to them. At a price of course! (LAUGHS UPROARIOUSLY) SUSAN We're right on target sir, meeting projections, in fact exceeding most of them. As the printouts show. REX That's as maybe, but the fact remains that you are still running over budget. Sebrina, pass me the statistics. (SHE DOES) Here we are. By quite an amount as well. It all seems to be going out on wages. Why is this? BRIAN Don't worry sir, we're looking for more people to work flexitime. When we can get rid of more fulltimers the costs will lessen. REX Like I said time is money we can't afford to wait. SUSAN Personally sir, I don't think it's Possible for us to operate on fewer staff. We're pushed enough as it is. The problem with flexitime is that people will only take so much of not having a day off and being called in at all hours. REX But that's the beauty of it. If they don't like it, they can't do anything about it. SUSAN They can leave. We have a very high turnover of staff as it is. There are new faces every week, kids straight from school. This kind of work is all that's available for them. REX Exactly. We give them a job. What's wrong with that? Remember, every under eighteen year old you hire, saves us 52p an hour. SUSAN A lot of our workers are unhappy, especially as they're locally powerless. A few individuals have mentioned unions. I feel it's only fair to hear them out. BRIAN Then again it's not a big problem REX Damn right it's not. I want those individuals shown the door. It's the thousands of kids round the world that make us tick. If the unions succeed at MacBurger's then I'm finished. And that won't happen do you understand? I'll give you a month to decrease the wages. I don't care how you do it. But I want it done. This branch in more than capable of making large profits. And if you can't manage it, then there's plenty others who can. BRIAN Don't worry sir, we'll succeed. REX Right then let's move on. I've brought a promotional and advertising tactics team over wit? me to train up Rome of your staff in these skills. SUSAN What do you mean exactly? REX Well the instore promotion ides has really taken off in the States. Originally we used actors, but they wanted more money, threatened to get the unions in. So now we just use staff and pay them the basic rate. It's a great marketing ploy. Cliff and Leeanne are simply going to demonstrate the promotion and help your kids get the hang of it.(SHOUTS) Cliff, Leeanne. Cut the Pleasantries and get down to work! Just watch this. CLIFF AND LEEANNE WALK TO THE MIDDLE OF THE STORE CLIFF Well I think we should introduce ourselves. My name's Cliff. LEEANNE And I'm Leeanne. That's with three E's. CLIFF Thanks Leeanne. Well I suppose you're wondering who we are. I guess you could say that we're your American counterparts from the parent company. Well we used to be. LEEANNE That's right. We started off just like you kids, right on the store floor. CLIFF Yeah, but we climbed the career ladder. LEEANNE We sure climbed it, right to the top. CLIFF Well almost. But now we're involved in staff training and we're here to do the latest instore promotion. You guys know what that is don't you? LEEANNE Well basically it's a promotion that's in the store. CLIFF And what we're promoting is LEEANNE Your Real Neat Scotch Fare. CLIFF It looks so yummy I'd eat it myself if it didn't interfere with my fitness programme. LEEANNE And I'm a vegetarian. But it looks neat. CLIFF What we've done is make up some jingles. LEEANNE On a Scotch theme of course. After extensive research. CLIFF I don't know if you guys know, but we've got a recording studio back at the University of Hamburgerology in Illinois. LEEANNE Where Cliff and I graduated last fall incidently. CLIFF Yeah, we both did pretty well actually. LEEANNE Well I did exceptionally well. You did OK. CLIFF Thanks Leeanne. So we've gotten these jingles on pre-recorded audio cassettes. And now Leeanne will explain where they fit into the promotion. LEEANNE Well basically what happens is that the pre-recorded jingles... CLIFF That's the music. LEEANNE Will be played at regular intervals during the day. Now that's your cue to step forward... CLIFF And do the links. LEEANNE That's the talking. And we've gotten the words here on this authentic tartan board. CLIFF OK, well I think we should just do the demonstration now Leeanne. LEEANNE Yeah, with the jinks and lingles! CLIFF I think you mean the links and jingles Leeanne. LEEANNE I know what I mean Cliff. Positions? CLIFF Why on the counter of course. Actually Leeanne, I think we should explain that we are going to sing live. LEEANNE Yeah, and I think that I should also explain that Cliff and I majored in Speech and Drama at High School. CLIFF OK, one two, three LEEANNE Hit it! CLIFF AND (SING) Amazing MacBurger LEEANE How sweet the taste. You take the high road And I'll take the low road And I'll be in MacBurger's afore ye. CLIFF Are you vegetarian? Well that's no problem. Why not try our delicous new White Pudding Nuggets at only 1.35. CLIFF AND LEEANNE (SING) Oh MacBurger Scotland When can we eat your fare again? LEEANNE Anytime between nine in the morning and three o'clock the next morning. Including Sundays! CLIFF AND LEEANNE (SING) Speed bonny burger Like a bird on the wing Over the counter to me CLIFF Do you like your burgers well done? Well that's no problem. Try our Rabble Burnt Burger! Only 1.55! CLIFF AND LEEANNE (SING) Amazing MacBurger How sweet the taste. (SAY) Mmm yummy! CLIFF No, please don't clap there's no need. LEEANNE So as they say that's all there is too it. Easy as apple pie. CLIFF Mmm Yummy Leeanne! Right then now what we need is two of you to learn the links so that you can do the instore promotion. So what we've done to make this a little more exciting... LEEANNE To add a little razzamatazz and showbusiness (FREAKS OUT!) There's no business like showbusiness, there's no business I know ... CLIFF Em thanks Leeanne, but that was last week remember? Yeah well since we knew that all of you would jump at this amazing opportunity, we've made it as fair as possible by putting all of your names into a hat. Which Leeanne is just going to get. (SHE GOES) Hey, did I ever tell you this one? How do you tell which clan a Scotch man is from? Well it's easy. Just look under his kilt and if it's a quarter pounder he's a MacDonald! LEEANNE (RETURNING) Thanks Cliff for that delightful sample of your humour. OK guys, any minute now Cliff is going to pick two names out of this hat. Gee it's tartan. And those two CLIFF Will be the lucky two to do the instore promotion! LEEANNE I'm just going to shoogle this hat about. CLIFF What was that "Shoogle" Leeanne? LEEANNE Do you like it? It's a quaint little Scotch phrase I picked up this morning. CLIFF What does it mean? Shake? Hey, that's sweet I do like it! LEEANNE If you'd just like to pick the names out of the hat now Cliff. CLIFF OK. Here goes... LEEANNE And the tension's mounting ... CLIFF And the first name is ... LEEANNE Stuart! Come on down Stuart. Don't look so shy! CLIFF If you'd just like to wait up here Stuart. And the second name is... LEEANNE Tricia! I guess that's short for Pat-tricia! CLIFF Right come on over Patricia, that's it this way. OK guys, Leeanne and I will just take Stuart and Patricia here off to rehearse their little routine. You can catch up with them later. LEEANNE So we'll see you later! CLIFF Alligator! LEEANNE In a while. CLIFF Crocodile! CLIFF AND LEEANNE Have a nice day! ALL FOUR EXIT SOMEWHAT BEMUSED BY THE PROCEEDINGS, EVERYONE IN THE STORE RETURNS TO "NORMAL" AS WITH SCENE ONE EVERYTHING SHOULD BE CRAZY, FRENETIC AND CHAOTIC. GRADUALLY EVERYONE BECOMES INVOLVED IN A SERIES OF SYNCHRONISED MOVEMENTS AND ACTIONS. THE LIGHTS SHOULD COME DOWN ON EVERYONE PARTICIPATING IN A MUSICAL DANCE NUMBER NOT UNLIKE THE "LOCOMOTION" BUT BASED ON A SCOTCH THEME! END OF ACT ONE


ACT TWO
EARLY EVENING. THE STORE IS VERY BUSY, PEOPLE ARE RUSHING AROUND SHOUTING ORDERS. STUART, TRICIA AND ALAN ARE STILL SERVING. BRENDAN'S PHOTOGRAPH HAS BEEN REPLACED BY ALAN'S ALL Take your order over here please! ALAN Yes sir. CUSTOMER TWO Two Vimto floats and a fresh highland trifle please. ALAN Em...I'm sorry but they're not de-frosted yet. CUSTOMER TWO They're not defrosted? Fine. Right just give us a clootie dumpling crumble then. ALAN Certainly sir. SUDDENLY A BLAST OF TACKY SCOTTISH MUSIC INTO THE STORE. TAPE Amazing MacBurger How sweet the taste STUART AND TRICIA LOOK AT EACH OTHER IN DESPAIR. BRIAN Come on you two, get on with it then! STUART AND TRICIA SHEEPISHLY CLIMB ONTO THE COUNTER AND MAKE AN EMBARRASSINGLY BAD ATTEMPT AT MIMING TO THE MUSIC WHILST MAKING HALF HEARTED ACTIONS. TAPE YOU TAKE THE HIGH ROAD AND I'LL TAKE THE LOW ROAD AND I'LL BE IN MACBURGERS BEFORE YE THEY JUMP OFF THE COUNTER, STUART HURTS HIS ANKLE STUART Are yous vegetarian an' that? Well see if yous are why no try our new White Pudding nuggets at only 1... at only 1 ... TRICIA 35. STUART Thanks. Em at only THE TAPE CUTS HIM OFF TAPE OH MACBURGER SCOTLAND WHEN CAN WE EAT YOUR FARE AGAIN? TRICIA (VERY FAST) Em, any time between 9 o'clock in the morning and 3 o'clock the next again morning PAUSE. And Sundays as well. ANOTHER LONG PAUSE THEY BOTH LOOK EMBARRASSED TAPE SPEED BONNY BURGER LIKE A BIRD ON THE WING OVER THE COUNTER TO ME STUART D'yous like your burgers well done an' that? Well that's nae hassle. Why don't yous try our new Rabbie Burnsis. B..., Rabbie Burned. No thats no it. Rabbie Burns... TRICIA Rabbie Burnt Burger. STUART Aye that's it. At only ... TAPE AMAZING MACBURGER STUART (OVER TAPE) 1.40! TAPE HOW SWEET THE TASTE. TRICIA Mmm yummy. STUART Mmm yucky, eh yummy. AUTHENTIC SCOTCH MUSIC PLAYS. SHEENA AND ALAN COME ROUND IN FRONT OF THE COUNTER AND UNCEREMONIOUSLY PLACE TWO BASEBALL BATS IN THE MIDDLE OF THE FLOOR IN A CROSS. STUART AND TRICIA ARE PUSHED FORWARD BY BRIAN AND ATTEMPT A SWORD DANCE. AFTER A COUPLE OF MINUTES THE MUSIC ENDS. THEY GIVE A HASTY BOW AND ESCAPE BEHIND THE COUNTER. BRIAN We'll just call that a dress rehearsal shall we? SUSAN I think both of you did very well actually. STUART Ta. BRIAN Right then, this doesn't mean you can stop working you know, get on with it. TRICIA Take your order over here please. STUART Take your order over here please. CUSTOMER GOES TO ALAN CUSTOMER ONE Three teas please. ALAN Would you like a deep fried shortbread with that? CUSTOMER ONE I don't think so. ALAN Milk and sugar with your teas? CUSTOMER ONE Just in one of them. STUART Next please! TRICIA Take your order over here please! MORE CUSTOMERS ARRIVE, BRIAN IS ON A RANDOM SPOT CHECK ALAN A deep fried short bread please! CUSTOMER TWO A Dundee cake please and a tea. TRICIA Milk and sugar? TWO Just milk. TRICIA 1.10 please. ALAN 1.55 please. STUART Take your order over here please! CUSTOMER THREE Porridge STUART Em. we only do Porridge in the morning. THREE It doesn't matter then. THE CASUALS ENTER, SC0BY GOES TO ORDER AND LYNN AND DEEK FIND A SEAT. BRIAN HAS WANDERED BEHIND THE COUNTER. BRIAN You, come here. KEVIN But I'm packing these burgers. BRIAN I said come here. KEVIN Whatever you say boss. BRIAN What was that? KEVIN Nothing. BRIAN Straighten your hat. KEVIN It is straight. BRIAN Take it off and put it back on properly. KEVIN It's fine. BRIAN Do as your told. KEVIN RELUCTANTLY TAKES HIS HAT OFF REVEALING HIS HAIR EXTENSIONS. BRIAN I see. And what are they? KEVIN Hair extensions. BRIAN And what are they doing there? KEVIN Well, You see my hairdresser's doing a fashion show and he asked me to model for him. I couldn't say no. BRIAN They'll have to go, they're not hygenic. KEVIN But they're fine, see I can tie them up underneath my hat. BRIAN I'm not having rats tails in my kitchens, they're disgusting, You know they're against regulations. KEVIN Rats tails! Brian, these are fashion, the latest style in hair design. Anyway, you can't even see them. BRIAN I don't care what they are, they're going. There are a pair of scissors in the staff room. I want you back in ten minutes without them. KEVIN You're crazy! Come on, be fair, they cost me 50. BRIAN I thought they were in aid of a fashion show. Go on, chop, chop. KEVIN Very funny. BRIAN Yes I thought so myself. Either they go or you do. KEVIN Well you can just fuck off then! BRIAN (CALMLY) You're fired. EVERYONE FREEZES KEVIN He can stick his job up his arse. I never liked it here anyway. I was a good worker but who wants to work in a dump like this? The only way to get on is to get pally with the management. I bet you I'm replaced by the morn. By a sixteen year old. That'll save them 52P for every hour the poor sod has to work. And that'll soon add up with all the overtime we're expected to work. I've spent all my weekends in there, I've no had a social life in months. You end up eating, sleeping and breathing the place. I cut myself yesterday, and I'm not joking, for a minute I thought I was bleeding ketchup. There's got to be something better than thin. KEVIN LEAVES EVERYONE UNFREEZES SUSAN Do you not think that was a bit unneccessary Brian? BRIAN No, I don't think so. SUSAN But Kevin worked really hard, he was an excellent crew member. BRIAN Susan, there's something you've got to learn about this place. You can't make compromises for anyone. Let people sense a weakness and they've got you where they want you. Like vultures waiting for the kill. Remember Susan, we can't trust some people who are non conformists, we have to make conformists of them in a hurry, and if we can't, we sack them, it's as simple as that. SUSAN But how can we ever expect the crew to respect us? BRIAN The only way to win respect is to be hard. It's tough at the top Susan take it from me. SUSAN But I still think it's important to build up a good working realationship. BRIAN We're not here to be liked, we're here to get on with the job. There's no room for compassion in this business. BRIAN STRUTS OFF SUSAN SHRUGS AND FOLLOWS HIM MEANWHILE THE CASUALS HAVE FOUND THIER TABLE, SCOBY IS STILL IN THE QUEUE LYNN I kicked this lassie in the day. DEEK How? LYNN She goes "Are you a casualette?" DEEK (THINKS) But you are. LYNN So? SCOBY ARRIVES WITH THE FOOD. LYNN Ta. DEEK Where's the sauce? SCOBLY I forgot it. DEEK Well go and get us it then. SCOBY But there's a massive queue. DEEK Who's the leader Scoby? SCOBY You are Deek. SCOBY GOES BACK TO THE COUNTER. LYNN Deek? DEEK What? LYNN Guess what? DEEK I'm bored. LYNN Do you still fancy me? DEEK Sort of. SCOBY It costs 5p Deek. I've no money left. DEEK MAKES A BIG SHOW OF GIVING HIM THE MONEY. LYNN Deek? DEEK What? LYNN Can I copy your Arithmetic homework? DEEK Nuh. LYNN How no? DEEK Cos I've no done it yet have I? What do you think I am? I'm too hard to go to Arithmetic. SCOBY COMES BACK WITH THE KETCHUP WHICH DEEK SQUIRTS IN HIS TEA. LYNN You're a clart. SCOBY This is boring. DEEK What are you going to do about it like? SCOBY Well, we could go to the pub. LYNN Scoby, we've been kicked out of five already. DEEK We dinnae need to go to the pub anyway. LYNN How no? DEEK PRODUCES A BOTTLE OF VODKA FROM HIS POCKET. SCOBY Ya beauty! DEEK Go and get three Irn Brus. SCOBY But I've just been up! DEEK Do you want some or no? SCOBY But my Muckle Mac will get cold. DEEK Dinnae worry, I'll eat it for you. SCOBY That's alright then. LYNN What if someone sees us? DEEK What if they do? You canny back out, it's against the rules. LYNN I wasn't going to, I was just saying. SCOBY RETURNS WITH THE DRINKS AND DEEK POURS THE VODKA LYNN Quick that guy's seen us. DEEK No, he's no. SCOBY Going to the fight the morn? DEEK Aye, I'll take them all, nae hassle. LYNN At the back gate? DEEK Nuh. They changed it to Safeways. LYNN They dinnae stand a chance. ALL (SING) C.F.S., C.S.F Centre Soccer Firm's the best! LYNN This music's crap. I bet the squaros at the counter like it. SCOBY Ken. Love the dungarees. LYNN You canny talk in that jumper. SCOBY What? LYNN It's bogging. Where d'You get it from? Poundstretcher? DEEK Canny mind. DEEK You've got to tell us, it's against the regulations if you dinnae. SCOBY I said I canny mind right. LYNN I bet his Mum knitted it. SCOBY Shut it! LYNN GRABS THE BACK OF HIS JUMPER AND READS THE LABEL. LYNN Littlewoods! Littlewoods. Scoby buys his clothes fae Littlewoods! SCOBY Shut it right, I had to wear it. DEEK Take it off. SCOBY What? DEEK Take it off, it's non regulation. LYNN You ken the rules. SCOBY But I'll be freezing. I've only got a T-shirt on underneath. DEEK Take it off. HE DOES, RELUCTANTLY LYNN Littlewoods, what a square. SILENCE LYNN Guess what? DEER What? LYNN I'm bored. SCOBY (POINTS AT GLEN WHO IS WALKING PAST) Hey! Look at that tube out there. ALL THREE LAUGH. EVERYONE FREEZES. GLEN Do you know, it's funny, but no one took me seriously when I announced that rather than going straight to college, I was going to take a year out and become Mr Mac Haggis for at least six months. Well hopefully longer. Not even Mrs Mc Gillup, my drama teacher, who's normally really supportive thought that this was a good idea. Mind you, she's got a soft spot for the drama course at Queen Margarets she went there herself you see. But I was determined to get some practical experience before I learnt the theory. I think it's terribly important to build up my own character first. I mean it can be an extremely negative experience going straight from the lead in the school play to improvisation. No, I'm not envious of my peers who started college last month. When I deferred my place at Queen Margaret College for a Year, I knew that I was tackling a much more demanding role. One that required real life skills. So, here I am, four and a half months into my first paid acting job. Because that's what it is you see - Acting. This character bears no resemblance whatsoever to me - the real Glen Thompson. I have to do my relaxation and concentration preparations at home before I come into work because it's rather hectic through in the staff room. Of course I get paid considerably less than the Equity minimum rate. But I'm prepared to accept that because of course it's a non-speaking part. That's universal company policy. I mean my counter parts abroad Senior Paella,Monsieur L'Escargot, and Senior Lasagna aren't allowed to talk either. You see, if I actually did speak it would shatter the illusions of thousands of kids who have their n pre-concieved ideas of how Mr Mac Haggis would talk. And I wouldn't want to do that. Mind you, to be brutally frank, the behaviour of some of kids is diabolical. Some days I positively che with agony from being repeatedly shoved, icked and poked. And this is the fourth costume they've had to send over from the States. The destruction of the second one was quite spectacular actually. I thought it would be a really good idea to do some "outreach" work, her than just walking up and down outside the shop. So I took a stroll up the Mound, in costume, on my afternoon off. And, well, to cut a long tory short, this gang of 14 year olds got a bit over enthusiastic. They knocked me over and then National Gallery. Which, as you can imagine had a detrimental effect on the outfit. But not on me myself. I mean some of my friends were doing T.I.E shows. That's "Theatre in Education" and experiences were much worse. So I can't complain really. I must be off. Actually I'm hoping to have a surreptitious chat with Tracey outside. She really fascinates me. I've never met anyone like her before. I mean, if the B.B.C set Eastenders in Edinburgh, she would definitely be in it. HE EXITS TRACEY APPEARS AND BRENDAN APPROACHES BRENDAN There's still quite a lot of litter lying over there Tracey. TRACEY I know I'm just on my way to pick it up. BRENDAN You don't seem to have collected very much so far. TRACEY Well, do you want to show me how to do it then Brendan? BRENDAN No I don't think there'll be any need for that. Besides I don't have any rubber gloves. TRACEY Oh go on, I'm sure you could do it much better than I can. BRENDAN Are you being sarcastic to me? TRACEY No I wouldn't dream of it. BRENDAN Well, eh, good. TRACEY I bet your mum'll be pleased to get that photie of you at last. She's been in enough times to gawp at it. BRENDAN Yes she will, she'll be delighted. HE GOES INTO STORE TRACEY LIGHTS UP A FAG ENTER GLEN GLEN Hi Tracey. TRACEY Hi. GLEN Are you supposed to be smoking? TRACEY Nuh, are you going to tell on me like? GLEN No of course not, don't worry. TRACEY That's aw right then. GLEN How many cigarettes do you smoke in a day? TRACEY Why? GLEN I just wondered. TRACEY 'Bout twenty s'pose. Do you smoke like? GLEN No. I don't. My mother's very strict about it, always has been. TRACEY Do you stay at home? GLEN Yes I do. I can't really afford to stay anywhere else. TRACEY No surpised on what MacBurger's pays. GLEN What about you Tracey, do you live with your folks? TRACEY Nuh, I stay at my sister's. GLEN Do you really? That's great, I mean it's wonderful that you've broken away from the parental home. I mean you 're only...what? ...about sixteen aren't you? TRACEY Aye. GLEN I really admire your independence. Do you go out much at nights Tracey? TRACEY S'pose. GLEN Where do you go? TRACEY Buster Browns, Cinderella's... GLEN Where's that? TRACEY Stockbridge. GLEN Oh yeah Stockbridge, I really like it. It's a great place to shop. TRACEY STARES AT HIM GLEN Who do you usually go with? TRACEY DIVES BEHIND HIM GLEN What are you doing? What's wrong? TRACEY Nothing, I've just seen somebody I ken right. GLEN But why are you hiding? TRACEY Why do you think? I wouldn't be seen dead in this. GLEN Oh, do you not like your uniform? I think you look great in it. TRACEY Nuh. Do You like yours? GLEN Well I think it could be better. But I really like the character Mr MacHaggis. TRACEY What do you mean character? You dinnae even speak. GLEN Yes I know. In fact it's quite funny, but I really shouldn't be speaking now. Just like you shouldn't be smoking. So we're both breaking the rules similtaneously as it were. (LAUGHS NERVOUSLY) TRACEY You really think you're a personality don't you? GLEN Well of course I do. I am. See those children over there looking at us, well me. They all know who I am. I'm rather like Santa Claus in many ways. TRACEY They think you're a prick. That's what they think. GLEN Do you think I'm a prick Tracey? PAUSE TRACEY I don't know you do I? GLEN You know this job's a real experience for me. I thoroughly enjoy it. TRACEY What mixing with the working classes? You're just a snob. GLEN No please believe me I'm not Tracey, honestly. People from all walks of life walk through the MacBurger's doors. And I have the chance to tune to all of their life experiences. It's like... TRACEY It's like a prison. That's what it's like. GLEN Have you got a boyfriend Tracey? TRACEY Nuh, have you like? GLEN No I haven't even got a girlfriend. I used to but we had a dispute a few months ago. You see she wanted me to go to college like her. TRACEY See it's all right for you. You can go off to college when you feel like it. What about me? I've got nothing else. This is it. It's no an experience for me. It is real life. GLEN Your attitudes and opinions never cease to amaze me, Tracey. You really fascinate me. Would you like to go to the Filmhouse with me on Friday night, you're off then too aren't you? TRACEY Aye. What's that like? GLEN It's a cinema on Lothian Road. TRACEY Oh aye, that place across the road from the Ampitheatre. What's on like? GLEN It's a really good French film. But don't worry. it'll be subtitled. TRACEY Eh? GLEN Well the actors talk in French, but the words come up really big on the screen in English. TRACEY What? Like they do on the news for the deaf folk? GLEN Yeah, sort of like that. TRACEY Well I want to go to Shag, and I'm only going if you pay. I'll meet you outside Frasers at half Past seven right? GLEN Well yes. And of course I'll pay.I wouldn't dream of inviting you and then expect you to pay. TRACEY I'd pay if I had the money. GLEN I hope you recognise me out of character. I don't look anything like this! TRACEY Why don't you wear your costume then? GLEN Well I don't think I could sit down very easily! TRACEY I was only oking. GLEN So was I! (LAUGHS) See you on Friday then. TRACEY Aye, cheerio! GLEN Bye Tracey. THEY WALK OFF IN SEPARATE DIRECTIONS MMA, BEN AND ANDY WALK PAST IN FRONT OF THE STORE BEN Emma, Emma! Wait a minute! Can we go in here? ANDY Aye, gonnae. I'm starving! EMMA OK, OK! Come on then. THEY ENTER WITH DIFFICULTY THROUGH THE DOORS Right, I'll just go and see if there's a table we can sit at. BRIAN Can I help you? EMMA Since when did you have to make a reservation in a fast food restaurant? BRIAN Unfortunately it's our policy for disabled customers. We do really need to be given some notice. It's fine during a quiet spell but as you can see, it's impractical at the moment. EMMA You're telling me we just can't turn up? BRIAN I'm afraid so. EMMA Well, we've never encountered this in similar restaurants. Do you have a special table for wheelchair access? BRIAN No, but we can make other arrangements if you make a reservation for a later date. EMMA Well, it kind of takes the fun out of it, it's just a spontaneous visit. BRIAN Well, I'm sorry. As I've already said there's not much we can do right now. My apologies. EMMA Hold on a minute. I'm afraid that's not good nough. Are you trying to tell me that we can't ... BRIAN I'm sorry, I must ask you to lower your voice. EMMA No! I won't! I don't care if everyone hears that this company has not taken the trouble or had the consideration to install it with the proper facilities for wheelchair access. It's ... BRIAN You're putting me in a very embaressing position... EMMA What about them? POINTING AT C & L How do you think they feel about ... BRIAN Yes, Yes. Of course. I take your point. Hm, if you'd just like to wait here for one moment I'll just find our children's hostess. I'll make sure she finds you somewhere to sit. EMMA Yes, well. SHE WALKS BACK BEN What's he doing? EMMA He's sending for someone. Honestly, some people... BRIAN APPROACHES LOUSE WHO IS DITHERING ABOUT BESIDE SOME TABLES BRIAN Louise, are you busy at the moment? LOUISE Well, I was just wiping these tables ... BRIAN Well, leave them for the moment. There are some children on the store floor. I want you to find them a table. LOUISE But Brian...they're...not children. BRIAN Of course they are Louise and you are the children's entertainer. Now, go on, do your job. LOUISE But Brian, they're... BRIAN In wheelchairs, yes I can see that. Go on. LOUISE Yes, Brian. SHE WALKS OVER TO THEM Em, I'm terribly sorry to intrude. I'm Louise. EMMA Hello. LOU Em, I believe you're looking for a seat. Oh, you are sitting. I mean...sorry. Silly me. BEN Don't worry about it. EMMA Excuse, I've just seen a free table. Why don't we move over? LOUISE Oh, you can move. I didn't realise. BEN Oh, dear. Now, how will we manage this. Easy, Emma can go on the end and you can life me into my seat. EMMA HELPS BEN. LOUISE Are you managing? EMMA Yes, thanks. LOUISE Well, that's everyone settled. Can I get - you - some - food? SLOWLY LOUDLY BEN White - pudding - nuggets - please. EMMA Just you behave. ANDY I - want - a - mucklemac. EMMA Look, it's self service isn't it? Why don't I get it. Do you want cokes as well? BEN Yes please. Large size! EMMA OK. PAUSE, LOUSIE LOOKS EVERYWHERE BUT AT THEM LOUISE Well this is nice isn't it?... So, em, what are your names? BEN Ben. ANDY Andy. BEN Look at her. POINTS AT TRICIA She's nice. ANDY No she's not! BEN She is so! LOUISE I think she's a bit old for you. BEN How what age is she? LOUISE About 17. BEN So, I'm 16, and he's 15. LOUISE Oh... EMBARESSED EMMA Here we are. One muck muac, one nuggets and 2 cokes. BEN Thanks. EMMA PUTS FOOD DOWN & LOUISE TAKES THE NUGGETS. EMMA GOES TO GET NAPKINS. LOUISE UNWRAPS THE MUCKLE MAC AND HOLDS IT TO BENS MOUTH. BEN What are you doing? ANDY We can eat ourselves you know. LOUISE Yes, yes of course. I was only trying to help. BEN Do you force feed all your customers? LOUISE No, of course not. I just thought... LAUGHS NERVOUSLY. EMMA RETURNS. LOUISE STAYS FOR NO APPARENT REASON. BEN & ANDY START TO GIGGLE. LOUISE Well this is nice. EMMA Yes, thank you very much. LOUISE Any time. BEN & ANDY BURST OUT LAUGHING LOUISE Nice day isn't it - BRIAN Louise, what are you doing? LOUISE Well, I'm eh... but... you said... BRIAN I'm sure they can manage themselves. Come on now. There's a party waiting for you upstairs. LOUISE Yes, Brian. Well... bye. EMMA, BEN & ANDY Bye. ETC BRIAN Everything to your satisfaction? EMMA Yes thanks. HE GOES Creep. BEN What an idiot she was. EMMA Come on, she tried her best. ANDY She just about choked me to death on my muckle mac. MIRIAN & ELMER WALK PAST. BEN Eh, look at them! Oh God, check out the flares. ANDY Bet you they're American. Bet you. MIRIAM Not quaint Elmer, cosy. STUART Take your order over here please! MIRIAM Go on Elmer, give the nice boy your order! ELMER Don't rush me Miriam, we're on holiday, remember? MIRIAM He's not got all day Elmer. Um, could I have something really Scottishy please? ELMER It's all Scottish, honey. MIRIAM No, I mean something really Scottishy. What have you got? STUART Em, well there's Haggis Burger. MIRIAM Swell! Give me two! ELMER No honey, I don't think you'd like it. MIRIAM Why not Elmer? ELMER (WHISPERS) They put it in sheeps' stomachs. MIRIAM No! The barbarians! How could they? Oh well, how about a venison burger, that's deer, isn't it? STUART Naw no really, 1.50 ELMER Don't worry about money honey, I'm loaded. Can I have two Muckle Macburgers and, hey, who's Rabbie Burnt? MIRIAM Burns, Elmer, Rabbie Burns! ELMER Just give me three, whoever he is. And two large what is it Vimto? MIRIAM Oh Elmer, look! Fresh Highland trifle! I cannot resist! ELMER Give us four! STUART Em, they're still being defrosted. ELMER They are? Oh well, give us the deep fried shortbread then. OK son, hit us with it! STUART Sorry? ELMER Come on son, the bill! How much? STUART Oh em. that's 11.45 please. MIRIAM Ain't they expensive over here? STUART That's because the value of the dollar has dropped a considerable amount over here. ELMER Is that so? Here you are. STUART That's French. ELMER Is it? I don't have any of your money, do you take American Express? Wait a minute, what's this? STUART It's a 50 note. MIRIAM Isn't he sweet Elmer, look at his chubby cheeks. STUART 42.50 change. MIRIAM Tell me, is it true that you guys don't wear anything under your kilts? Hey why aren't you wearing one? Gee, I just love this tartan! ELMER Don't embarrass him honey. MIRIAM You're not embarrassed sweetie, are you? ELMER Come on honey! MIRIAM Oh well, nice meeting you. STUART Take your order over here please. MIRIAM AND ELMER FIND A TABLE. MIRIAM I just love Scottish people. What will we do tomorrow Elmer? ELMER (STUFFING HIS FACE) Mmmm. MIRIAM Hey, I know! Let's climb that tall thing - what do they call it? The Scotch Monument - and then we can go up the castle. I think it's quite famous. ELMER I can't figure out why, it's tiny. Everything's tiny over here. MIRIAM Oh, I love it, it's so cute! THEY STUFF THEIR FACES SHEENA (SHOUTS) OK I know, but I've only got two hands right! This place is getting worse, Don't be fooled by what you see. I mean it might look really busy, but we've been told that because sales were down last week, the number of staff working has to be cut, which means that we have to work even harder so that the profits don't drop. It's Hellish it really is! If it wasn't for Danny, I wouldn't be here. I need the money. He's at my mum's today. She's been really good 'cause there's no way I can afford a proper baby sitter. I usually work nights 'cause that means that mum can take him once she's got beck in from her work. They put me on three day shifts lest week which is useless. Susan round the corner from me took him, but I knew she didn't went to. (CARRIES ON WORKING) It's the not knowing when I'm going to be called in that's the worst thing - I canny plan anything, and anytime I've tried to ask for regular hours, I've been told that just like everybody else, I don't work full-time or part-time, I work "flexitime", which means anytime - all the time. The work itself does my head in too. It's all noise and hassle. The guy at the grill shouts at me if the meat's burnin' and he's being shouted at, my back gets sore, my throat's dry, and my heid's nippin' under this stupid hat. I keep burning my hands on the fryer, and by the time I've run and filled up the pickle the toaster's usually buzzin' to tell me that the rolls are ready. And why the hell I have to go through 19 different steps just to stick the chips in a poke, beats me! But I do - honestly - 19! And there's always somebody watching just to make sure that I do! I've heard of pressure cooking but this ridiculous! What annoys me the most, is that I know I'm being exploited, but what can I do? You see, the work is so boring and "unskilled" that anybody with half a brain in their heid could do it. So that means that they don't have to pay much. So it's folk with no qualifications, with kids, or immigrants - the desperate - that they employ. Christ! I never thought I'd end up being called "disadvantaged." (SHOUTS) I heard you the first time - but it's no ma fault the tomato sauce hasn't been filled up! ACTIVITY FROM BIKERS OUTSIDE. THEIR ACTIONS SHOULD REFLECT THE HAPPENINGS INSIDE DURING THE NEXT SCENE BRIAN APPROACHES BIKERS, HAS SECOND THOUGHTS AND GOES TO TRACEY INSTEAD BRIAN Tracey, I'd like to include you in one of our small informal Rap Sessions. TRACEY Look, I've been on since nine in the morning. When can I go hence? BRIAN It won't last long I can assure you, and you'll get paid for attending. TRACEY Aye, aw right then. THEY WALK TO TABLE TO JOIN SUSAN AND ALAN SUSAN Glad you could join us Tracey. ALAN Hi. TRACEY So what exactly is this Rap Session anyway? SUSAN Well, it's to give us all an opportunity to discuss ideas, suggestions and any problems that may have arisen. ALAN I'm sure there aren't any problems, but I do have some ideas. TRACEY Speak for yourself. SUSAN Have you any problems Tracey? TRACEY Aye, when can I go home? BRIAN It would help us all Tracey if you took this seriously. TRACEY Well here's a serious problem. That prat in the MacHaggin outfit's asked me out! SUSAN Well don't worry, if you'd read your handbook properly you would know that there are no objections to crew members dating one another as long as it does not interfere with restaurant operations. ALAN Yes Tracey, you'll find that on page 13. BRIAN I believe you had some ideas for us Alan? ALAN Well firstly, I thought that Cliff and Leeanne were marvellous. But Stuart and Tricia really let the crew down. They just didn't seem to have any enthusiasm for the project. May I suggest that they be replaced? BRIAN Mmm fair point. TRACEY They were crap. SUSAN I think they did very well for a first attempt. ALAN Secondly, I've thought of another slogan I'm rather proud of it actually. (PAUSES FOR EFFECT) Dead Good Food. SUSAN Yes well, I'm sure we'll bear that in mind Alan. BRIAN Have you any such contributions Tracey? TRACEY Aye well, what aboot Gallus Scottish Scran? ALL THREE SMILE FALSELY AT HER TRACEY I thought this was supposed to be a rap session. When do we start rappin'? BRIAN We are rapping Tracey. It's American for chatting. TRACEY No it's no. AWKWARD PAUSE SUSAN We still haven't received any contributions for our newsletter The Burger Bulletin. And as a new store, it's very important that we build up a high profile. Are either of you interested in writing something? TRACEY Aye, I'll write you a proper rap since nane of you seem to ken what it is. ALAN I don't think that's quite what they're looking for. I'll come up with something by next week Susan . SUSAN That would be super Alan, and if you'd like to spread the word. TRACEY Look when can I get hame? ALAN I think we should all stay until we're finished. TRACEY It's aw right for you. I'd stay if I was getting an extra 15p an hour. SUSAN Well there's no reason why you can't earn that privilege Tracey, if you work hard enough. TRACEY Privilege? I'm Glad it's no ma photie up there, be a real brass neck. BRIAN Tracey your attitude is detiorating significantly. I may be forced to take disciplinary action. TRACEY The only thing wrong with me is that I'm overworked and bored oot ma heid. Fancy swapping jobs Brian? Yours looks no bad, strutting... BRIAN I think you've said enough. TRACEY Wait a minute I thought that was what this meeting was for? (SHOUTS) There's a Hell of a lot more I'd like to say! SHEENA Aye me an' all! SUSAN Oh dear! CHRISTOPHER Me too! STUART Give us a chance as well. BRIAN Brendan! Help! They're all revolting! GLEN Gosh how exciting. LOUISE Count me in! TRICIA (TO CUSTOMER) I'm no serving you. TRACEY Come on then we'll show you what rappin' really is! TRACEY JUMPS ON TABLE AND STARTS. OTHERS LEAVE THEIR STATIONS AND JOIN IN WITH VARIOUS COMPLAINTS THIS BUILDS UP INTO AN AGGRESSIVE RAP BRENDAN JOINS BRIAN, SUSAN AND ALAN AT TABLE THE CUSTOMERS LOOK ON IN BEWILDERMENT AFTER TWO MINUTES BRIAN JUMPS UP ON TO THE TABLE BRIAN (ENRAGED) Enough! EVERYONE FREEZES This is not how we are programmed to behave. Our instructions are simple. We are told what to wear, what to say and what to do. Everyone must adhere to these rules otherwise the mechanism breaks down. One malfunction - and the system crumbles. We must not be that malfunction. We have a duty to our leader to uphold the company motto. (SHOUTS) What is that motto? EVERYONE (CHANTING) Quality, cleanliness, service and value! (REPEATED SEVERAL TIMES) EVERYONE BECOMES AN AUTOMATON AND RETURNS TO THEIR DUTIES ZOMBIE-LIKE. CUSTOMERS AND CREW ALIKE CONTINUE WITHOUT EXPRESSION. EVERYONE MOVES WITH TIMED PRECISION. THE WHOLE IMAGE CONVEYS EXTREME EFFICIENCY. SPOTLIGHT ON REX REXTER AT TOP OF STAIRS REX This empire is my dream, correction, this is my reality. A precision machine with all its components working to maximum efficiency. DESCENDS HALFWAY DOWN Built on the backs of half a million employees worldwide. Every one of them dedicated to this Utopia; without a thought for their individual needs, willing to sacrifice every minute of every day for me - their guide and mentor. I lead the way to creating ultimate control and where I lead others follow. AT FOOT OF STAIRS, DIRECT TO AUDIENCE My chain has grown by one new outlet every seventeen hours for the last decade. My burgers are consumed in forty-five countries in nine thousand outlets serving nineteen million people. Realising two million dollars profit every day. My concept of real estate knows no boundaries. There's not a corner of this planet that I will not conquer. My aim is that one day I will have a store in every city, in every town, in every village and in every community large enough to support one. And I will continue to dream, to pursue opportunities wherever they lead me. The sky's the limit. And even that may not be true. HE WANDERS INTO THE MIDST OF THE MACHINE. SLOWLY SUBTLE IRREGULARITIES OCCUR. THE CREW BECOME CARELESS AND FASTER IN THEIR MOVEMENTS. THEY START REPEATING THEIR WORDS. THE CUSTOMERS KEEP BUYING FOOD WHICH THEY DEPOSIT ON THE FLOOR UNEATEN. SHEENA AND CHRISTOPHER START THROWING FOOD FROM BEHIND. STUART AND TRICIA START THROWING MONEY FROM THE TILL. BRIAN RUNS AROUND FRANTICALLY TRYING TO REGAIN CONTROL. BRENDAN AND ALAN START FIGHTING. TRACEY PUSHES GLEN OVER AND ROLLS HIM ROUND. LOUISE ACTS LIKE A FIVE YEAR OLD. THE CUSTOMERS START THROWING FOOD AT EACH OTHER. EVERYONE STARTS CHANTING THE MOTTO BUT OUT OF TIME. EVENTUALLY REX REXTER IS ENGULFED BY THE CHAOS AND HE DISAPPEARS UNDER A PILE OF FOOD AND BODIES. THE LIGHTS GO DOWN ON EVERYONE CHANTING IN UNISON BUT MONOTONOUSLY Quality, Cleanliness, Service and Value.

THE END.